Happy One Year Birthday Jonathan!
I have been waiting to write an entry worthy of Jonathan's first year of life...but the words just won't come. In sum: What a year. What else can you say? Our little fella has covered more ground in the first twelve months of his life here on earth than most people cover in a lifetime. He has overcome obstacles of every variety, touched people's souls and emerged with a smile on his face.
I obviously can't chronicle every moment of Jonathan's last year in my blog - although I am recording it all for a book that maybe no one but Jonathan and I will enjoy...oh, I know my Lord will because it is, at the end of the day, all about His mercy, love, and power. Here is a tiny glimpse into the journey we have been traveling on for the last year-and-a-half.
On Valentine's Day, 2009, our family left for a vacation to Sanibel Island, Florida. I am completely irrational about my trip to the "White Beach" every year. I would live on the White Beach if I could think of a workable way to fund my family's life there. It is just slower...and warmer...and simpler. So, even though I was courting a high risk pregnancy there was no way I was missing my trip. I knew, when we planned the trip that January that something big was coming. I just knew - even though I would not admit it to myself - God had spoken to me. I just couldn't bear to process His words.
We had a great four days on the island. We swam and I discovered for the first time, during pregnancy no. 4 that a big belly feels weightless underwater. My heart was heavy during the trip with the anticipation of the final months of my pregnancy. You see, there are many words I could find to describe myself, but patient is not one of them. I still marvel that I made it 31 weeks to see the end of pregnancy and the learn the answer to the question of Jonathan's health. It is unprecedented patience for me. I used to search out my presents as a child weeks before Christmas. I still do.
On the final night of our trip there I went onto the beach at nightfall - my favorite time (everything goes gray - it is very cool) - and prayed. My prayers were of absolute desperation as I begged God not to let Jonathan have any affliction that would rob him of the life I wanted him to have. I remember kneeling in the sand - conscious of what others might think - but going ahead anyway because I refused to hold back any of my request. I cried...heaving sobs...and begged for God's mercy. After about 30 minutes I got up - I don't remember any people on the beach - and I felt like I had finally done it. I had prayed this same prayer so many times I was done. I wasn't going to ask God again. I know I had exhausted Him with my request and amazingly, I had even tired of it myself. I walked back to the hotel room and never prayed that prayer again. Jonathan was born on Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 2:46pm. Within minutes after his birth I learned that he most likely had Down Syndrome. Several hours later I learned he had a rare form of leukemia. Two days later he had a gastrointestinal bleed that could have taken his life. And one month later, on April 4th, 2009, I listened to a doctor tell me that Jonathan would likely die in the next few days.
But. That is not the end of the story. That is the really hard, really painful, really make-you-wonder-why-you-are-reading this blog story. The story just began on those days. A real life story of miraculous deliverance for Jonathan (he is alive and healthy today and by every measure available doing "phenomenal") and for me.
We went back to the White Beach last week - same hotel, same beach. I told you, I am not rational about this. The first thing I did when we got there was walk out to that beach. It all looked exactly the same. But I am not. I cried a few minutes. I thanked God for being there for me...and of course, Jonathan. I did ask him "Why?" I also thanked him for not answering my annoying prayer that He was forced to listen to daily for nearly 7 months. I am sorry about that. I have come to imagine God feeling the way I feel when Luke asks me endlessly for candy, or Abigail for presents, or Marie for play dates. Ughhh...I was annoying. I am glad He has more willpower than me. More wisdom than me. A better plan than me. I still feel pain, mostly worry, today but I wouldn't change a thing. And if anything did change I would be devastated. It is strange - almost inexplicable. To want something to not be so desperately, but to know its loss would be unbearable.
Anyway, I felt a circle close at that moment. The rest of our vacation was the same as all our vacations there. Sunny, warm and simple. And filled with a little wonder. We stayed at a pretty big resort complex with quite a few condo buildings...it is a popular choice for families with young children. On the first day we were there Craig asked me if I saw the little three year old boy with dark hair in front of us on the beach. Abigail perked up and said "Mama he has Down Syndrome - look at his ears!" She was right, he did. A sweet little boy from Germany on a cozy Florida beach. Seeing one boy with Down Syndrome is not so remarkable, but we saw 7 more children in our resort during the next few days. The next day a boy named Jake (from Edina) was swimming in the pool when we arrived - he was 13 and he has Down Syndrome. It took our budding geneticist about 25 seconds to spot Jake. Then we spotted a five year old girl with Down Syndrome in the shallow end and another 12 year old girl with Down Syndrome sitting on a pool chair. Amazingly, this was not a big pool. There were only 11 kids - including mine - swimming in the pool. Craig I talked to Jake's mom for awhile and met his beautiful older sister. (Note: I have yet to meet a person whose sibling has Down Syndrome that does not radiate a peaceful, loving joy. I know they are there, but my experience so far has been an answer to prayer.) Two hours later we went down to the beach to find starfish stranded on the sandbar and there was another teenage boy with Down Syndrome standing at the water's edge. Finally, on the last night of our stay we met a five year old boy with Down Syndrome and his three older siblings.
Craig and I are still trying to process this unusual occurrence. I am trying to figure out if God was behind the convergence of all these families, or if it was just a happening. If He was trying to help out our older three by showing them more, or if it was all a fluke. I guess it doesn't matter. Halfway through the vacation I wondered what I would have thought if it had happened last year. I probably would have gone into labor. Maybe God was behind this timing.
Well, there is a snippet into our lives this past year. We are blessed - all six of us - beyond our comprehension. I'll write again when Jonathan takes his first steps - which, miraculously, will probably be before when his first birthday should have been...May 1, 2010.
Thank-you Father -
Jill
